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Saturday, December 17, 2011

A Christmas Parody ('Twas the night before...)

many nights
before Christmas…
by Rocky Etier (translation by bob)

‘‘Twas a night in November, and to Mama’s alarm
Christmas music was playing all over the farm.
Long before Christmas the madness had started;
She once had the spirit but it had departed.

The dogs and the cats did not seem to mind it;
They knew that their dad was the one who’s behind it.
And though he could not leave the stereo alone,
They’d all get their treats, a toy or a bone.

Then from the kitchen there arose such a ruckus
The cats and the dogs thought that lightning had struck us.
Dad stuck in his head to see what mom had done
And discovered that Mama was just having fun.

Wearing her jeans and one of her hoodies,
She’d covered the table with all kinds of goodies.
Egg rolls and bagels and cream cheese so white
Shared space with the candies, and nothing was “lite.”

She blasted her music, a lot of it punk;
Dad started to think “the old lady is drunk.”
There was too much food on that holiday table,
But she kept serving more, who knew she was able?

Now cupcakes! now, cookies! now, latkes and pralines!
On, cheesecake! on, pastas! on mushrooms and ice creams!
She piled food high, to the top of the wall!
And yelled at the dogs, “Don’t dare touch it, y’all!”

As nestlings decide when it’s time to de-nest,
Mama decided “it’s time to get dressed.”
We were all kinda scared what she might put on,
What holidaywear, dear Mama would don.

But then, in a twinkling, we heard her come back;
And over her shoulder she carried a sack.
I got out of the way to let her pass by,
And noticed that Dad was rolling his eyes.

She was dressed all in pink, from her head to her toe,
And the tilt of her head said “she’s ready to roll.”
She put down her bag and began to unpack it,
Resulting, of course, in an unearthly racket.

Her eyes how they twinkled! Her dimples how merry--
As she pulled out a pie; I think it was berry!
I started to wonder if this was a dream
When out came some sprinkles and chocolate whip cream.


A cork from champagne she held tight in her teeth,
As she told us to join in the holiday feast.
She served lots of crackers and a bowl full of dip,
Salsa, cannolis, and even prune whip

She poured the champagne in a tall crystal flute
And asked everyone, “How ‘bout a toot?”
A wink of her eye, like a shot from a gun,
Warned the festivities had only begun.

She spoke not a word as she filled all our plates,
And brought out the beer and the figs and the dates.
And laying her finger aside of her nose,
And giving a nod, a toast she proposed!

She sprang from her chair, and started to shout,

(the wine had gone straight to her head, there’s no doubt)

But I heard her exclaim, ‘fore she dozed on the couch,

"One more holiday song and you’re getting’ thrown out!"

Monday, December 12, 2011