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Sunday, May 22, 2011

New Bibles with The Word You Want to Hear

New Bibles with The Word You Want to Hear - Technorati Entertainment
You know what the Bible says; now get the Bible that supports your infinite knowledge.

Suffering from post-Rapture depression? Wondering where people get these predictions that always fall flat? Unable to reconcile your every thought and action with Scripture? Need Divine insight to support your crackpot theories?
You’re obviously reading the wrong Bible. Throw those old Bibles away—or better yet, send them to Amazing Grace Baptist Church in Canton, NC, where they will burn them for you (or not). While most people can find passages in Scripture that will support their points of view, wouldn’t you like to have a Bible that supports anything…or everything?
You can now get Divine substantiation for all your theories with two new Bibles, offered here exclusively and for the first time. No longer will you have to rely on ancient manuscripts, faulty translations, and confusing metaphors. Instead, you will have “the inspired word of God” on which to lean. Yes, by using our fully interactive Bibles, you will be able to quote Scripture that you are inspired to write.
Since some Bible passages can be murky at best, The Good News, You Choose Bible allows readers to translate the Bible into terms (and commandments!) that they not only understand, but can actually live with. This hefty volume incorporates multiple choice questions with each Bible passage. For example, does your Bible include that pesky commandment “Thou shalt not lie”? The Good News, You Choose Bible does, but follows it with a question that allows you to choose what the Bible means: a) it’s a sin to tell a lie, b) nothing you ever say is a lie; c) always stand or sit; or d) other: __________. Since every passage includes “d) other _________” as a choice, you can fill in whatever your Divine inspiration may be. Don’t worry about the repercussions… people more unqualified than you have been interpreting what God says—and thinks--for centuries.
For those who find The Good News, You Choose Bible too restrictive to fit their spiritual purposes, there is the St. Bo’s Anything Goes Bible, sort of a “reformed” Bible for people who need more liberal interpretations of Scripture. Not as hefty as The Good News, You Choose Bible, St. Bo’s Anything Goes Bible offers a fill-in-the-blanks format so that your Bible will say what you know it should. One sample passage is “God ______ gays,” which you may be inspired to complete with “loves,” “created,” “knows many,” or that old cliché, “hates.” WBC, this is the Bible for you! Moms can fill in the blanks for "Thou shalt not speak to me in that tone of voice."
Included with St. Bo’s Anything Goes Bible are 25 ruled pages titled “God Hates” where you can enter various countries, ethnicities, races, religions, political parties, individuals, and miscellaneous things that you know God views dimly. Then when you say, “God hates horses,” you can point to your Bible as proof. There is also a blank page titled “God Loves” which can be filled with things you know God loves, because you do: rainbows, flowers, chocolate, fried chicken, beer, cussin’, b-movies, fortune cookies, pizza, Chinese food, pumpkin seeds, dogs…
We strongly suggest that you purchase a half-dozen or so copies of your chosen Bible, in case you are inspired to change your mind on some issues (Hey, “God loves Darlene” could quickly change to “God hates Darlene,” and back again). Take the gray areas out of the Bible and make The Word Your Word. You will let us know when you’ve scheduled the Rapture, right?
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